Strength

February is Retinitis Pigmentosa Awareness Month.

Christ is my firm foundation.

The Rock on which I stand.

When everything around me is shaking,

Cause He’s never let me down.

I’ve been more more glad that I put my faith in Jesus.

He’s faithful through generations.

So why would He fail now?

He won’t

One of the biggest obstacles I have come across in living with RP is the uncertainty the day will being. My physical struggle is with brightness. Others with RP struggle with life becoming dull and dim. The brightness causes severe dry eye, migraines, and difficulty doing basic everyday things people take for granted. About a year ago I started getting around on a cane to support my movement during the day. This cane had style, but it was still a cane. Surprisingly I became accustomed to it and accepted I’d be on a cane forever. At least it was a sight to see (pun intended). Little did I know things were going to change sooner than I expected.

Two months after I picked up the cane for the first time I put it down for the last. I preached on June 26th, but my condition was out of control—I was severely dehydrated from fasting, suffering from migraines, and that particular day was excruciatingly bright for me. When it came time to preach I felt horrible. The pain became so unbearable I blanked out in the pulpit and I felt myself give up. I cut the sermon short and sat down. I was convinced I was done. I never wanted to preach again. But the pastor of the church gave me the microphone, yet again, and told me to come back to the sacred desk; honestly I had no idea what was going to come out of my mouth, but when I opened it five words flowed out with ease, “I’m angry with the Lord.”

What followed was confession and repentance. There I was trying to tell people the same God I was angry with was good and was worth trusting, yet I was in pain and in need of healing. I felt overlooked by God and my hopelessness was so strong I felt the gospel didn’t apply to me. But who am I that I crucify Christ a second time? Initially I thought that was my worst sermon, but it turned out to be the most impactful, the one God used to delicer so many people who were present that day and those who merely heard of it. It also delivered me too. That week was the last time I used the cane to get around. One Friday night in September, I was meditating and l noticed something in my body was off. I performed a body scan to see what was wrong, and I realized the constant migraine I had due to this condition was gone. As time has progressed, some of the things I could no longer do I have started doing again, and it wasn’t until this last week I realized I had gone an entire month without the discomfort of having dry eyes.

I have been to multiple doctors and specialists, all who have told me differing things, but the one constant has been there is no cure. In layman’s terms this condition is impossible to come back from. There are days I feel this condition is winning, but I cannot ignore where I was and where I am now. I still live with the effects of RP on my eyes, but the transformation I have undertaken on the inside—in my heart and mind— is how I know I am going to be alright. The joy of the Lord is my strength. What causes Him joy is my obedience to His word. The more I trust His word, the more joy it brings to His heart. The lord joy I bring to His heart, the more He strengthens me to persevere. The Lord is my strength in the uncertainty of each and every day I wake up. I cannot make it without Him, nor will I try. I could not imagine living with this condition and not knowing the peace and security of Jesus. My heart aches for those living in hopelessness with the same thing I am finding joy in. There is strength in all circumstances and situations. The darkness cannot win because the light shines in darkness and darkness cannot overcome it (John 1:5). There will be light.

I do not know the day nor the hour when God will visit me and deliver me from this condition, but while I wait I will continue to share about the goodness of the God who keeps me. The strength I have comes from trusting Jesus, surrendering each day and this condition to Him. I will continue to do so until He not only makes a change in my heart, but with this condition as well. To you or whomever is going through what seems impossible, there is strength for you too. His joy, His love, His grace is your strength.

Rain came, wind blew

but my house was built on You.

I’m safe with You, I’m going to make it through.

Until next time, continue to stay guided by grace,

Tra