“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.” — August Wilson
Up to this point we have done a lot of work—we know our attachment styles, we have a better understanding of why we repeat the same cycles we have always said we are tired of repeating, we have uncovered the possible “why” of the unhealthy and unholy perspectives we have harbored for ourselves and the ones we love most. We have engaged with our emotions quite frequently over the last three weeks; there has been much identification in the first part of this series, but the second part is dedicated to self-awareness. We have identified characteristics of who we are regarding relationships, now it is time to understand what to do when these familiar patterns arise. A disclaimer for being more aware about anything in life is that sometimes the biggest enemy we face is not the devil; sometimes it is our own minds. Our minds will intentionally seek out evidence to verify our old patterns of thinking and behavior and it is quite easy to regress after becoming aware of ways we need healing.
The next three weeks will be focused on becoming aware of our thoughts, emotions, and a process called mentalizing. But the second aspect of compassionate self-awareness is one that greatly impacts how we relate to ourselves and others: compassion. As Christians we have been taught to be compassionate to others. It is a core aspect of who Jesus was as Scripture notes He often felt compassion when He encountered the oppressed, harassed, helpless, and rejected in society. The first time God ever spoke His own name was to Moses in Exodus 34:6-7 and He defines who He is as, “Yahweh, Yahweh, a God full of mercy and compassion.” Compassion is who God is. Unfortunately, we are not taught that self-compassion is crucial to our overall health and happiness. Working with six and seven year olds, I have found that patience and compassion are aspects of a great teacher; when a child is in need, it is not difficult for me to be compassionate and seek what is best for them. We should treat ourselves in the same way. We deeerve to seek what is best for us, not out of this new wave of pride where we do not need the love of others, where the universe revolves around us, or where the story is all about me, myself, and I, but this deservedness stems from the realization that we are human. We are fragile creatures with needs and should be handled with compassion.
I opened this post with a quote from one of my favorite playwrights and authors, August Wilson. It is a fitting quote for where the series is heading next, and the cruz of the quote sits on two concepts: illumination and forgiveness. Illumination is the awareness we need in order to navigate through our negative beliefs about ourselves, the anxieties we face, and the assumptions that creep into our minds that oftentimes steal our joy. We have to illuminate our minds and hearts to understand what we are thinking and feeling and why. There are three things we will strive to become aware of over the next three weeks:
1. Self-Awareness of Thoughts— Leslie Becker-Phelps has this to say about thoughts in Insecure in Love:“How you experience yourself and your beliefs about yourself is affected by your thinking” (159, eBook, 2014). We reinforce our negative perceptions about ourselves through our negative thinking.
2. Self-Awareness of Emotions— Emotions and thoughts are not one and the same. Differentiating the two can be beneficial to highlighting how our thoughts and feelings can be contrary to one another. The difference between the two also makes it less complicated to label what we feel internally, and we have a greater ability of labeling our emotions and how to soothe them.
3. Mentalizing— this process emphasizes the role of our minds in our experiences of the world we encounter. It also helps us to understand why we expect the things we expect less from the people we say we love most.
The second aspect of compassionate self-awareness and our quote from August Wilson is forgiveness. Maybe the reason why we have not been able to fully forgive someone we had a falling out with earlier this year, three years ago, or back in high school is because we have not ultimately forgiven ourselves. Once we forgive ourselves and treat ourselves the way we should be treated, forgiving others becomes easier (definitely not easy, bit easier will suffice). Self-compassion is composed of three components:
1. Be Kind to Yourself— This is giving yourself the benefit of the doubt. It is treating yourself in ways similar to how God treats us. It is simply being kind to ourselves, pursuing ourselves, loving ourselves, nurturing and caring for ourselves.
2. Common Humanity— this does not get talked about as much as it should. So much of our problems are individualized and self centered that we forget that we are part of the fabric of humanity. You are not alone in the suffering you go through. Hardship does not only happen to us. Realizing we are not alone can help us in healing in the long run.
3. Mindfulness— This is solely about being present and practicing gratitude for where we are, even if it is not where we ideally desire to be. There is always something to be grateful for. Instead of hyper focusing on what is not right, be grateful for what is not wrong.
Over the next six weeks we will be looking at illumination and forgiveness. This journey of compassionate self-awareness is not a one time cure, it is a much needed lifestyle change. From this next phase of the series, I pray we can mature from settling for knowledge and knowing. Knowledge is not power—knowledge applied is power. What good is it to simply know our worth when the same tools we use to know our worth deliberately seek out evidence to the contrary? Compassionate self-awareness is all about the practice of our worth.
Exercise: What would you like to become more aware of about yourself? What are the roots of your desires? What would deeper awareness about yourself mean for you and how would it make things different in the future?
Until next time, continue to stay guided by grace.
Tra
Guided by Grace 