Last week we started off by looking at attachment patterns and our worldview when it comes to how we relate to love. We looked at anxiety, avoidance, and security and at the end we assessed ourselves on how much anxiety and avoidance we have in relationships. For the assessment I scored a 6 in the area of attachment-related anxiety and a 2 in attachment-related avoidance. I would label myself “high anxiety, low avoidance.” Based on your results, what would you label yourself? The results from the exercise last week are important; the three attachment patterns we looked at last week separate themselves into four attachment styles that we adopt and relate to those we love.
I want to preface laying out the attachment styles with a disclaimer. From simply reading about the attachment styles it’s easy to assume that the only way we can be in healthy, happy, and long-lasting relationships is to be secure in every area of our lives and that’s not true. I don’t want anyone being discouraged. There are many anxious and avoidant people in happy, healthy, long-lasting relationships. The best way to accomplish this is to be in a relationship with someone who makes you happy and who you are willing to work conflicts out with. There are some of us who feel as though God has revealed to us who we are going to marry and what I want to stress to those of us under this conviction is that even the promises of God don’t just happen. When has God’s way ever been “easy?” It takes work. And if I’m being completely honest with you, those are the most challenging relationships to have because God will make you wait and He does what He wants ultimately; part is based on His sovereignty and part is based on our faithfulness or lack thereof. For those people, I suggest you study the life of Abraham in Genesis 12-25 in your devotional time. Pay special attention to chapters 12-22 because those chapters are about God promising a relationship to Abraham and note how strenuous, complicated, and complex that road was. And pay attention to emotions and thoughts that show up—even the father of faith got frustrated with God.
The four attachment styles are:
- Secure Attachment
- Preoccupied Attaxhment
- Dismissive Attaxhment
- Fearful Attachment
SECURE ATTACHMENT STYLE: HAPPY IN LOVE
(Low Anxiety, Low Avoidance)
Securely attached people have a healthy balance between work, social life, and romantic life. They tend to find it rather easy to find the joy and contentment in what they do. They have a confidence in their performance on their job, they are eager to engage with others, they have healthy, productive hobbies, and they seek the happiness they deserve in relationships. One of the biggest characteristics of securely attached people is trust. Securely attached people can trust without hesitation and they can find others to be reliable. Trusting their partner comes naturally for them; this does not mean they do not experience disappointment, frustration, anger, and even anxiety, but they make a deliberate choice to trust. They trust the narrative that they are worthy of being loved, that people are deserving of forgiveness and redemption, and they trust that problems with those they love can be worked out. Obstacles for this group of people are seen as opportunities for growth—growing pains are part of relationships for these people. Ultimately, the ability to work things out with their partner is reassurance that they are truly loved and cared for, thus, increasing their trust and they become even more secure in the process. They are willing to confront emotions, thoughts, behaviors, and seek common ground in order to maintain their happiness. They are comfortable and not threatened by a full range of emotions within them and others around them; their trust is rooted in something deeper than their own subjective interpretations of what happens around them and to them. They tend to think of themselves as good, competent, happy, enthusiastic, hopeful, caring people in their relationships. They think of their partners as well-interested, trustworthy, sensitive, and emotionally available.
Exercise for Securely Attached People: If you have little anxiety and avoidance in relationships, you are securely attached. A way for you to maintain this low level of anxiety is to practice the art of gratitude. This week, make a list about the things your partner does in your relationship that you appreciate, or that you love about them. Then give it to them, or read it to them. If you are securely attached in relationships and you’re single, do this same practice with someone else in your life like a family member, friend, a therapist, and even God.
PREOCCUPIED ATTACHMENT STYLE: DESPERATION
(High Anxiety, Low Avoidance)
This is the group I most identify with. And this group tends to be attracted to a group we will look at below. Preoccupied people find it difficult to remain in the moment. Mindfulness is not a normal habit of their lives. Their is also an unhealthy balance within themselves where they do not feel adequate; they look for reassures from others, and believes that what happens to them is a reflection of who they are. A core characteristic of this group of people is uncertainty. They trust the story of goodness while goodness is happening to them, but when unpredictable circumstance arise, they also tend to trust that. They are easily tossed by what happens to them and this makes for a turbulent and stormy existence within their own world. They look to others to reassure them of their worthiness of love because they don’t trust it themselves. One of their core worries is that their partner will eventually “see them for who they truly are” and leave. They are anxious about what their partner really thinks of them. One of the reasons this group of people tend to be great storytellers is because their worries lead them along. They worry about one aspect of their relationship and it leads them elsewhere. They are desperate to be loved and cared for. They desire to outrun their fears of being unworthy, overlooked, and rejected, and how how they go about this could use some tuning up. For instance. when they are afraid they tend to resort to what Leslie Becker-Phelps calls hyperactivating strategies where they seek out the love from the person they desire to be loved by. This keeps their attachment system on and they begin to pursue—what they ar spiraling, who knows. Chasers are who they are—if they are not chasing, they become afraid the person they love will stop loving them.
Exercise for Preoccupied People: If you scored high levels of anxiety than you did avoidance, you are preoccupied regarding relationships. Your mind is on autopilot and one of the things that can assist greatly in healing is mind control. There is an exercise a therapist taught me last year called “Taking Your Thoughts to Court” that you can implement in your daily living. Write down something that is keeping you anxious or wound up and write out what the worst possible outcome could be. Underneath it, write out the absolute best outcome possible; if things could go your way, or even a way you would be satisfied in general with, followed by writing down what the most realistic possibility is. Lastly, write down 3-5 good, positive things about yourself and mentally rehearse these positive aspects about yourself throughout the week—most importantly—challenge yourself to live out those positive things.
DISMISSIVE ATTACHMENT STYLE: “I WANT LOVE, BUT I DON’T NEED IT”
(Low Anxiety, High Avoidance)
Our society is warped. We strive to achieve the wrong statuses and many of them surround avoidance—working to amass “wealth,” isolation, distance, preoccupying ourselves with selfish ambitions and not making time for those we love. This group of people is what younger generations call “unbothered.” This is the group most people strive to be in. We should want to become secure, not more distant and out of touch with reality, and most people who fit in this group tend to be out of date with themselves and those around them, which is why their relationships either do not last, or there is unhappiness on one or both ends. These people are characteristically “calm.” They do not regularly express their emotions. I was counseling a friend of mine who has finally (thank You, Jesus) confessed he desires to be in a relationship and he also confessed his self-depreciating thoughts that hinder him from doing so. He asked for suggestions/advice and I gave it to him: I told him he needs to counter these thoughts and feelings by allowing himself to feel the need for love from someone. Once you feel that need, you begin to assess how exactly a loving, healthy relationship can be of benefit to our emotional and mental health. He responded that he was fully known and loved by God, so he didn’t need the love of anyone else. Do you see where the disconnect with reality comes in? He desires relationship with others, confesses it, but he’s stuck in this cycle of “I’ve got God so everything is fine.” This sounds good theologically, but the issue is that we serve the same God who said it was not good that Adam was alone. In Hebrew, Scripture says God was grieves that Adam was alone. So what was the solution? A person. We need people; human relationship is a necessity. Dismissive people internally feel left out when they see their friends in healthy, thriving, and fulfilling relationships. They can become envious and resentful when they do not confront their emotions and thoughts, resulting in a cycle of wanting relationship and not needing it. Unfortunately, dismissive people seek verification of the fact they do not need relationship by drowning themselves in other endeavors to fill the void only beneficial relationships can fill. A core feeling dismissive people battle is emptiness. (Whether they admit it or not not.)
Exercise for Dismissive People: If you scored lower levels of anxiety than avoidance, you are more than likely a dismissive person. At some point in the next week, allow yourself to feel the need to be loved. You need it. It’s not that we are just worthy, we need love. The first steps in healing is the acknowledgement of a problem that needs a solution and the readiness to initiate the journey. This starts with examining ourselves and why we desire to be in relationship. Write out what kind of relationship you are seeking with someone, what kind of persons are you interested in? If you do not know who you are attracted to, take the love languages quiz and find out what you need. When you are ready, do something out of the normal and make yourself available—go for a walk without headphones, go to a coffee shop without your laptop, safely attend an event, and get to know people. Make yourself available—you need it.
FEARFUL ATTACHMENT STTLE: CONFLICTED AND CONFUSED
(High Anxiety, High Avoidance)
One of the biggest thoughts of fearfully attached people is, “I’m failing.” This is interesting because preoccupied people are attracted to fearful people. Why? They seem secure. They seem like they are winning. The reason being that fearful and securely attached people are almost polar opposites, therefore they match each other in opposite ways. Avoidance, which is actually immature, seems mature, but when their trigger is pressed, preoccupied people see that fearful people are as anxious as they are and to some extents, even more so. A term psychologists, and even fearful people, use to describe themselves is an “emotional mess.” As stated last week the majority of avoidant people were raised with narratives of strength—don’t show emotion, weaknesses were highlighted, while what made someone strong wasn’t, and as life progresses, fearful people begin to experience opposing emotions from their childhood—flawed, helplessness, and weak to name a few. This is where their confusion and conflict come in. There is an internal war within them between intense fear of rejection and desperation for reassurance that is exacerbated during arguments/conflicts with their partner. When this arises they shut down and revert to separation. If trust is a characteristic of securely attached people, distrust is a characteristic of fearful people. Trusting the narrative is rather difficult for them. The avoidant aspect of who they are does not plan for conflict and when conflict arises, the default narratives they’ve believed for so long begin to drive them unconsciously. There is a kind of bipolarity fearful people exhibit when it comes to relationships that makes reaching a secure level of trust in others and themselves difficult that Becker-Philips highlights in Insecure in Love:
“When they are not totally avoiding relationships, they end up behaving in contradictory and confusing ways. Prone to seeing partners as emotionally distant, they sometimes try desperately to get their partners’ approval and attention by using hyperactivating strategies such as exaggerating their distress. However, when they perceive their partners as getting close, they feel vulnerable to getting hurt. So they instinctively look to protect themselves from their partner, turning to deactivating strategies to avoid intimacy.”
Insecure in Love, pp.53-4
The same obstacles secure people see as opportunity, fearful people see as defeat. It leads them to question everything they thought they knew and believed, which heightens their avoidance, and eventually they avoid so much they become even more anxious. Fearful people don’t experience much rest internally because when one level of anxiety is down, the other is usually on and running.
Exercise for Fearful People: If your anxiety and avoidance are above a 5, you may have a fearful attachment style. For people with fearful attachment, I will suggest two exercises, one for each. The first exercise is simpler than the latter. Journal about what makes you most anxious. What have you been praying over for a while that you seem to continue to play over and over in your mind? How do you feel about it today? What are your thoughts? You could also benefit from Taking Your Thoughts to Court as well. The second exercise is a step of faith. What is an area of your life you’re avoiding? Is it a relationship? Something dealing with your job? How do you relate to it when unpreferable circumstances arise? Do the opposite. For example, a friend of mine recently blocked a guy she was interested in after their relationship soured. She confided in me about how she felt and I suggested she unblock him—not reach out—but unblock him because referring to old habits do not lead to a new and healthier you. She tried it out in increnments—she had him unblocked for a day, then she tried three days, finally she worked herself up to a week with him unblocked and has a greater sense of peace. Challenge your brain into doing the opposite of what you rely on when you are avoiding.
Next week we will focus on our partners and look at soul ties and attachment figures and why it’s important to know the difference. These attachment styles and exercises can also be used to assess our styles with God and I encourage you to do so. I will leave us with a word of wisdom mybtheeoaist left me with during our termination session together that I pray encourages you. Feel free to insert your name in place of mine:
“Tra, you are embarking on a journey that not many even know exists and if they did, they would run on this narrow road. This road is the narrow way that Christ said is hard to find—healing. You don’t stumble on it, you make a deliberate decision to chnage, to become a new being, the true being, the one God foresaw when He thought about you in the beginning. Just trust it. The world would be a much healthier place if we stopped pointing the finger at who hurt us and start noticing our own fingerprints on our own suffering and take accountability for them. We self sabotage the blessings of God and it’s only His grace that gives them back. God repeatedly reconciles and restores relationships and we still question, “What if this isn’t meant to be?” People are concerned with being “faithful” when they’re being faithful to all the voices they listen to, the advice never asked for, and they are even faithful, most importantly, to their traumas. We push the people we love away because we’re protecting ourselves; it’s understandable to be selfish and not trust when we’ve been told not to. But we follow the voice of Christ, not the world and what it expects.. Tra, you’ve always been loved, accepted, known, and seen. God interfered with your plans because this is the season you stop pursuing, you stand still and rest. It’s time for Tra to fall in love with the person everyone around him loves. With Jesus, the community you have, and your perseverance, everything is going to be alright.”
Until next time, continue to stay guided by grace,
Tra
Guided by Grace 